I'm now 44, almost 45. My life has turned upside down and then back up again, stronger than ever. My best friend just had her fifth child and I watched her walk the pregnancy path. But as I held her hand in the birthing room, the horrors of my actions came crashing down on me. The more of her joy that I witnessed, the more pain I felt. I tried to keep it all inside but ended up rushing out of the room in tears. My husband, who was in the waiting room, saw me and ran after me. We went out for a drive. Sitting in a park, he begged me to tell him what was the matter. Finally, my guilt overwhelming me, I gushed it all out. The affair, the baby, the abortion.

He cried too, and he held me so tight. He told me it was gonna be okay and we'd work through it all. We must've cried together for an hour straight. Exhausted, we went home and showered and sat at the kitchen table reliving the not-so-distant past. He forgave me for everything but said that it needed to be brought out into the open with the other couple also because it was the only way to cleanse everyone from it all so that both marriages could go on in truth.

So we called them up and invited them for dinner.  We didn't waste much time and you can imagine the surprise in the other guy's face when the truth was revealed. He was angry, surprised and nervous all at once. My husband spoke calmly to him and asked him to sit back down, that things needed to be ironed out.  He agreed, with his wife in tears and completely confused.

We spoke of our individual marriages, how shitty it is to get old, how "everyone swings" these days, and the many other excuses that had brought us to this point. But, "In the end, " my husband stated, "no matter how much this hurts all of us, the greatest disappointment is that you've killed a human being, a living soul."

These words struck like an arrow through my heart because, to this point, I'd really been self-absorbed. I had put ME before my own child. Here I sat with my loving husband who, as it turns out, would've never left me over this and would've raised this child as his own. Never have I felt so foolish or selfish.

Never have I felt more sorry for my actions. Never have I had a harder lesson in my life. If only...
 

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